On Behalf of Goats

Could I have a word with you?

There's something to be said for a small goat company, not publicly traded. If you have more than a few acres, you won't even have to buy your original investment. Someone's kids will grow out of their 4H years, and they will give them away. If you get a male and female, your stock will split over and over again, and you will have several hundred shares, after just a few years. At first, when someone says, "heah, there's a baby goat out there," you think, "heah, cool," and then baby goats are being born more or less every day, almost like mail delivery.

There really is no management class to worry about in a company of goats. In fact the word "class" and goats just don't go together at all. They can be cute sometimes, sort of wise looking, but very--how shall we say?--honest about their needs, candid, frank. Sometimes brutally frank. They are not exactly storybook in their manners.

"Look at that cute little goat eating the hay."

"Look at that cute little goat being bottle fed."

"Oooh, gross. What is that goat Doooo-ing??"

And another goat comes into the world.

Other than creating new baby goats, goats generally just like to eat and run around, and they will mow your lawn for you, or eat down just about anything you want eaten down, and some things you don't want eaten down. They generally look pleased to see you, because they believe you will throw some piece of vegetation, or some section of an old grill cheese sandwich into their pen. And they are generally right about this. They expect you to feed them and they have a way of getting food out of you, and even your guests, even though they have no spoken or written language. If you put a "please don't feed the goats" sign near them, you could almost see the words "yeah, right" being scribbled over the text, before the Sharpie ink dried. No human child has yet been born who does not feel an immediate, visceral need to feed goats upon seeing them for the first time. At 49 years old, I still feel the urge to throw some sort of food into their pen.

The government, by and large, doesn't care about goats, and no one has told the Treasury that goats can move--so there is no goat tax yet. The S.E.C. does not regulate goats, nor does the Department of Transportation, though some goats could drag a grown man to work every day, if there was an old grill-cheesed sandwich in it for them.

Once in a great while, you get a mean, nasty goat--and then you have a free gift for that bus driver who keeps asking whether you sell goats or not. Theoretically, the goats could come in handy if there were some major disaster and you needed a source of fresh protein, though I believe I would wait for the FEMA relief before I tried a goat taco. Still, the ranging, growing flock, from a survivalist standpoint, is comforting.

Sooner or later, of course, the herd will get too large, and then you can call up one of those parents whose child has just joined the local 4H club. I think you can sell a little goat for $40 or $50.

But you won't ever really be parting with it, because later, after the 4H years are over, you'll get it back...

...and some bus driver will be very happy.